motherhood has been on my mind. it has been almost eight months since elise was born, and it has been filled with joy, laughter, and excitement. but in the past week or so, new emotions have entered my heart: frustration, resentment, and anger. i hate even admitting to that, because i feel guilty even feeling it, but that's the truth. as she gets older, she's more squirmy, trying to move more, lunging out of my arms and throwing my back for a whirl, biting me multiple times when nursing, and so on. yes, these are minor offenses, i know. but the emotions are still in my heart, and i long to erase them, and return to that blissful love and joy i have felt the past few months. this battle of emotions has come as a great shock to me...is this what motherhood is about?
i've been praying about it and the Lord graciously pointed out that i'm holding grudges against my soon to be eight month old. He then gently reminded me that because of Jesus' death on the cross, paying for my sins, He holds nothing against me. how can i hold something against her? the slate should be wiped clean again and again.
i'm also reading "Feminine Appeal: Seven Virtues of a Godly Wife and Mother" by Carolyn Mahaney. it's based on Titus 2 and it's rocking my world. i'm only in chapter 3, but i recommend it to anyone interested. anyway, chapter 3 is called "The Blessings of Loving My Children." here's an excerpt that has struck my heart:
"As mothers, we have a choice. We can either resent the challenges and demands that accompany motherhood and persist in our selfishness, or we can draw from God's grace and receive His help to cheerfully lay down our lives for our children. Let's choose the latter. If we do, we are choosing Biblical greatness. As Jesus said in Matthew 20:26: 'Whoever would be great among you must be your servant.'"
the word "cheerfully" stood out to me. my prayer today is that God would give me strength and remind me throughout the day to draw on His grace, to forgive and move on, and to fulfill the call of being a mom...cheerfully! i want to enjoy this great calling.
4 comments:
Wow! Thanks for your honesty...motherhood is definitly the most challenging thing ever and it causes us to lean on Him more than ever! Hang in there:)
I am with you on this one Shana. With the smell of freshly sharpened pencils hanging in the air we are reminded of our lives before the little ones. We have made the right choice by staying home I know it. But, there are going to be challenging days and we need to rely on God. However,We can also rely on each other...as fellow mommy,I am here for you!
It was great talking to you tonight and I appreciated your honesty and insight in your blog/journal! I know what you're feeling when you say you need to "forgive" your infant... isn't it crazy how offended we can get at these little creatures we carried inside of us and only thought loving thoughts towards! I'm right there with you... struggling towards cheerfully laying down my life!
shana: thank you for being so honest and open about your struggles. i know it is going to bless other moms, and it blessed me to see your honesty: but also how you are looking to God for strength. fem. appeal is probably the single most influential book on my life (i think i've read it cover to cover at least 4 times over the past 3 years!). that quote you chose to post is wonderful: i really needed to read that.
may i also recommend:
"A Mother's Heart" by Jean Fleming
happy reading!
:) julia
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